When does it get easier?

On Friday (January 20th) I had the great honour of being interviewed for radio by Richard Fidler. Richard has a National radio show called Conversations. It is broadcast Australia-wide at 11 am each week day (except in Victoria where of course we have the marvelous Jon Faine's conversation hour). It is also repeated at midnight on Radio National (incl. Victoria).

When you look at the line-up of people who Richard has interviewed just in the last few months you can see why I would feel blessed that he would want to have a conversation with me. I had sent them my book after a friend of a friend suggested that they might be interested in it and me. As it turned out they were interested and after 3 telephone interviews with his lovely producers I got the chance to sit in the studio with the man himself.

I had hoped we would talk about the book, after all it was the book that had taken me here. Unfortunately, though it was not that part of the story but the reason for the book that I was there to talk about.

I wasn’t surprised so much as disappointed I guess. You see I thought my focus had shifted from talking about Anne to talking about us. Not just us when we were living with Anne but us now. Us as in my daughters and I and where we were now. I wrote my book and published it so that more people would be aware of the families left behind when one of you goes on a journey that the others can’t be a part of.

As it turns out the reason for our sadness and our new truth is still raw and unforgiving. As I spoke about the events that happened in 2007 – 2008 I realised just how much I miss my husband and how very alone I feel. I also realised that I was in fact still quite angry about the whole thing. When I was just slightly challenged on my feelings about it I was quick to fire, something I had not expected at all.

I can’t even remember half of what I said, I expect I’ll cringe a lot as I listen to it, which I will do, maybe not on Tuesday when its broadcast but after when it’s not quite so real. In the meantime, I’ve been able to talk to my daughters and I think I need to talk to them some more, not just for my sake but for theirs as it’s clear that it’s still just as difficult for them.

We’ve pushed ahead, we’re moving on but I don’t think we’ve moved forward. It seems that for all sorts of reasons that I am yet to understand, after nearly ten years and a book, it’s just not any easier.

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